If you’ve been hitched for years, married sex might go something like this: You’re in, out, and back to watching Netflix in 20 minutes.
So how can you kick-start a sex life gone stale, and make monogamy as hot as it was on your honeymoon? Follow these four tips for rekindling the flame inside and outside the bedroom.
Plan a sex date
Back in your dating days, you probably put a lot more thought into your courtship and sex life. Though you’re off the market now, steal a page from your single-guy playbook and plan a romantic rendezvous.
“I’m a big proponent of scheduled sex,” says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D., who teaches sex-ed for adults. “Most people balk when I suggest this, but dates take planning, pre-thought, scheduling, and are fun!”
You used to pull out all the stops to impress your date in hopes of getting laid: A clean-shaven face. Roses at the ready. A shirt you actually ironed! The more effort you put into planning, the more you’ll build anticipation and excitement—which can make all the difference between feeling “too tired for sex,” and your wife slipping on (and stripping off) her special panties.
Be spontaneous
In the same vein, arousal comes from the unexpected. Our brains are hard-wired to seek novel experiences, and we secrete dopamine in response to things that are new and exciting.
“When there’s novelty, we get a great sense of sexual satisfaction, and it’s almost like we’re feeling all of those same hormones that were there in the first stages of romance,” says Bryce Britton, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based sexologist.
Start small by sending her flowers for no reason, or greet her when she comes home from work by wearing a trench coat—and nothing on underneath. Then spice things up by searching around your house for new spots to have sex, like on top of your laundry machine or the kitchen island. (Just make sure the kids aren’t home, and your silverware is stashed away.)
Re-learn her desires
“People who have been having sex for decades get into this thinking where they know everything there is to know about sex,” says McDevitt. The reality? “False.”
Our bodies and desires change over time, so it can be useful to check in with your partner to recalibrate your sex life. Britton recommends an exercise she calls “skin time” to get re-acquainted with each other: Lie naked, side by side, without cell phones or other distractions and without the promise of sex. “We’re looking for erotic attunement here,” says Britton.
Take time to re-learn what turns your partner on. If she was too tame for bondage back when you got married, it’s possible she’s eager to try it now. Exploring both old and new fantasies can revive the passions you had at the beginning of your relationship.
Have a blast
Sex with your wife shouldn’t be a chore. Keep in mind that it’s not all about getting the orgasm—it’s about having fun. Flirting with your wife throughout the day can build up anticipation for the evening, especially if you allow some mystery.
In other words, send her a few frisky texts throughout the day instead of a tacky dick pic. “Playing is what triggers dopamine, which triggers arousal,” Britton says.
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